it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
