If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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