Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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