was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
