The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
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