You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
