They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
