Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
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