So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
