Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
