Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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