she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
