then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
