Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
