dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
