we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
