Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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