New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Randomize
