If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
