I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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