I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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