So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
