she was so not down for the gang bang
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
