Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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