a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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