Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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