Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
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