The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Randomize
