What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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