Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
