I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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