I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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