I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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