There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
As shirtless as possible
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
