I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
