I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
