She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No subtext here. People are naked.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
