Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
