Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize
