I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
