My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
