the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
