I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
