I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
