Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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