Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Randomize
