I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
