Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
