I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize