I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Randomize
