I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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