he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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