Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize