I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
