Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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