Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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