I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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