why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
sarcasm needs its own font
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
