can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I am available for nakedness
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
