you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
we should paint friendship bongs
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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